“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
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bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
This has made my week.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .