If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
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I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I occasionally drink every single night.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese