ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
who wants to go expliring
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
every. time.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work