Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho