Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
You wish you had this many chins.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?