Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
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me when i see my girls butt
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you