Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.