Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Just a phase…
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.