If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Good morning, Twitter x
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.