Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
wtf is a larm clock?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.