Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
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“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*