Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
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[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Word!
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
In case you needed to hear it:
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?