I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.