Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
A short story of betrayal:
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.