Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I wish I could veto my bills.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…