Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
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“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.