‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Hey I worked for it too!
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.