just left a huge legacy in there
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My what?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.