Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
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Are these grass-fed oranges?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
first you must answer his riddles
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Found my door mat
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above