As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.