All is fair in drunk and war.
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂