“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I can’t stop watching this.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.