Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.