I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
the icebreaker
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.