Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!