“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
u spoke cat all this time??????
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done