It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try