In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size