speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
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Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.