I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
o shit
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Every work call, he judges.