My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.