to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort