Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.