The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min