I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
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A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Previously On Persistence 😎
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.