I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
We’re all getting idioter.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.