Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes