[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??