Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…