Found my door mat
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.