Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
estão todos miauvindo?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
bad news gang
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Left at a local drug store…
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.