Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
#Caturday
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.