How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
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be careful
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
what the
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.