I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Heroic Misunderstanding
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.