Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
You Might Also Like
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Waiting for the Charmin
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I am HOWLING at this
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Just so funny
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.