I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
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Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.