*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!