I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
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thanksgiving in nutshell
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.