Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
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I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.