Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
How I’d get arrested…
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
groan^2
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.